Back from Hibernation... with Vengeance

Back from hibernation

I have purposely stayed away from doing anything online for a few weeks. Part of the changes I have had and still having from childhood to adulthood is trying to convey my thoughts more diplomatically as much as I can. If I wrote anything during my hibernation, there wouldn't be anything diplomatic in any of them. You see, I'm sure I offend people at times but I don't do it because I just want to be mean. Usually, shamefully, I offend people while I was trying to be funny. In fact, a friend told me recently that people just have to get used to my idea of funny.

Anyway, I have stayed offline because I felt like my sad and angry thoughts were not worthy of being seen and read by people online. I mean we all have our own crosses to bear in life, why would I want to subject you to my never-ending, life-consuming journey to do better than before in everything I do? In a way, I think, I'd like to share only those thoughts that I have already been able to refine. I believe I'd be able to help more with my refined thoughts than with my work-in-progress thoughts. Also, I guess I still want to maintain a sense of mystery in what I write. I write stuff that can be interpreted as a totally different thing from what I really have in mind. I find a certain sense of .... balance between my online self and my inner self and anonymity.

While I was hibernating, I was healing a broken heart but not in the romantic way. There were friendships I had to let go of and there were goals I have already set my mind on that I had to put behind me. I also needed time to regain myself. I have let myself be subjected to some major renovation just so I could fit in. I had to call my real self back to the surface. There were quite a few things I was going through all at once.

All the while I was going through all these things, my husband has been very supportive. I only needed to tell him I need space and time to process my feelings. I only needed to ask and he gave it to me. I'm very thankful that my husband gave me the space I needed to make sense out of the feelings I was feeling.. anger, sadness, a sense of loss of direction. I was in the "grieving" stage for about a week.

The following week, I started a DVD marathon. I saw and saw again seasons 1 to 3 of Vampire Diaries. I guess I chose that show because whatever I was going through can't compare to the problems of that show's characters. Imagine being a vampire and a "vegetarian" vampire at that! what could be more complicated than that?

The few weeks after that were the most fun. I read. I read a lot. I bought quite a few books on fiction and Celtic Mythology. I revisited some books I've already read in the past. I read the Chronicles of Narnia for the first time. I got a book on paper cutting which I started doing too. I started reading atuff for school. I read, I read a lot and I enjoyed it tremendously. I felt like my brain started working again. I felt like I was rejuvenated. Surprisingly, I was energized by being alone with my thoughts.

Now, I am taking baby steps, cautious baby steps and I'm hopeful. Here's to finding our very own places under the sun.

50 Shades of Love

I've not been online much recently. I have been... thinking... a lot. I have tremendously enjoyed having time to read. In 6 weeks, I was able to read about a dozen books. I read quite a few of Anne Rice's, J.K. Rowling (reread), Tolkien and some other non-fiction materials. Very recently, I was introduced to 50 Shades of Grey by a new found friend of mine. I was able to finish all the 3 50 Shades books in about 1 week for I could do it only after I got home from work or from my post grad classes. 

Christian Grey is a character that is in need of a lot of help. Despite his "interesting" extra-curricular activities, he appealed to me as someone who had it rough and had to find a way to cope. I can understand his character because everyone can at one point or another experience something that will be too much for him or her to understand. When the pain is too much, one looks for a way to cope. Mr. Grey made me think about my own way of coping up. 

When my dad passed on when I was 19 and my siblings were 16, 14 and 7, I thought it was pain that will never go away. It was a kind of pain that is so many shades darker than breaking up with a boyfriend or having a fight with a friend. It was like drowning in the middle of the ocean and not seeing any possibility of help from anyone and anywhere. 

My mom and my siblings needed me to be strong and so I became strong, at least in appearance... at least in front of them. I wasn't taking sh*t from anyone. If anyone gives my family sh*t, I made sure they'd hear from me. I made sure they would listen. I was strong. 

They didn't have to know I was smoking a pack and a half of cigarettes in school every day so I can control my breathing and my crying. They didn't have to know I was scared I wouldn't be able to stand up to the challenge. They didn't have to know I wasn't sure I was strong enough to push us all past that loss.

We made it somehow. Years passed and the memories that are left are those of happier times. Then my mom had to go too.... unexpectedly and oh so suddenly. 

When mom passed on, I was already with my very own Anastasia Steele. My Anastasia Steele held my hand when things were too rough. I coped by working full time and trying to maintain a home for my siblings. I coped through tiring myself so I won't have to feel sad or to confront the void I was feeling. I got off from work at 2pm, got home at 3pm then I would start cooking dinner, cleaning the house, doing a bit of laundry so I would be dead tired by 8pm and not have time to think or grieve. 

My experiences have led me to become a little more understanding of people. We will all go through things that will hurt us. We will all experience things that will change how we view life. In Mr. Grey's case, he saw himself as unworthy of love and that led him to live a very "colorful" secret life. In my case, my experiences have made me see possibilities in everything. 

Going beyond what is erotic and sensual in Mr. Grey's life, I saw his story as a love story. I am happy Mr. Grey found freedom in the end. I am happy he found love that embraced all that he is, scars and all. I hope we all do find our happy endings.