Words Left Unspoken and Words Better Left Unsaid

Being so sleep-deprived yesterday, I decided to let my imagination fly. I don't see the connection between my lack of sleep and my epiphany yesterday but it somehow happened so I decided yesterday's blog entry would be about words. To be more specific, it will be about words left unspoken and words better left unsaid. Words are powerful. The decision to utter them or forever withold them can lead to a lot of things. The first type of word regret is most often associated with romance. It is usually portrayed as a boy who was never able to tell his female bestfriend that he loves her in a romantic way. She then meets someone else and falls in love with this other person while the male bestfriend feigns support for the girl's newfound romance. Somehow, he didn't really think her new love will ever bloom into something more serious. He had always believed they were meant for each other. He had always believed it will be the two of them who'd end up together. On the night before the girl's wedding, the boy finally gets the inner strength and will to tell her, to stop her from marrying this other guy. She surprises him by saying she wished his big revelation happened way before she met this new guy and they could have been an item but it's all too late for them now. She has chosen to be with this new guy and she loves him. Because our male protagonist never told the female protagonist his feelings for her, something that could have been beautiful between them never materialized. Or, the story can go this way. The male bestfriend falls in love with the female bestfriend. She meets this new guy and falls in love with him. On the night before her wedding, he told her how he feels. She realizes she loves the bestfriend more than the guy who will wait for her at the altar tomorrow. She makes up her mind and calls off the wedding. The new guy accepts defeat gracefully and makes way for the two lovebirds. The bestfriends lived happily ever after. It's a perfect world. The other type of regret is for words that were better left unsaid. How many times have you ever regretted telling someone some hurtful words which scarred him? How many times have you regretted uttering words in the heat of an argument which caused for the fight to escalate even more? I have my share of situations where I found myself saying I should have not said something. I bet you do too. The problem with speaking when we are angry is that our emotions momentarilly colors everything for us. Because a girl is angry, his habits which under normal circumstances would have been acceptable have suddenly become the cause of a heated exchange of words. The word war results to two broken hearts who are both wondering was the other person right? The girl is thinking he called me something that sounded like a witch, does he really see me in that way? The boy is thinking she said she wished we never met, does she really mean that? Because there were words said without screening or the proper framing, there are now two people in love with each other but are doubtful of their love and future with the other.  As one grows older, hopefully he realizes his words can make or break someone's spirit. The choice on whether or not to succumb to the spirit-breaking words depends on how the aggrieved party sees the situation. He can either chalk it up to experience and move on or retreat into his own protective shell never to come back out again. However, it remains to be true that the words said by that spirit-breaking person will somehow change this other person's life in some way and the spirit-breaker shall be held liable. What you sow is what you reap after all. The bottomline is we are all accountable and responsible for our decision to say or not to say some words. Before talking, it must be clear to us what are motivations are. It must be clear if we want to strengthen or dampen another person's spirits. 

How and Why I Decided to Have a Love Affair?

On the night of April 4, 2012, I have made a life-changing decision. I have decided to have a love affair. This was after my husband of almost 5 years now told me he can't leave the city for the long weekend  because he had a lot of catching up to do with work. Although my husband and I don't really see eye to eye on our ideas on what a vacation is, being able to spend time with him would have been so much more preferable than sleeping the holidays away. His idea of a vacation is to stay indoors in a resthouse in a nearby city. My idea of a vacation is well... to go out, see new places, experience new things. I was so heart-broken when he said we can't leave. I have been looking forward to the long weekend for months. Out of the brokenness of my heart and the shattered holiday dreams I was having came my decision to have a love affair.

Since he can't leave, either I leave alone or sulk and feel sorry for myself until the next vacation time comes. I gladly chose the former. I decided I will leave alone. I told him right before sleeping on Wednesday night that I wanted to go and see Ilocos. I have never been there before. In fact, I can easily count with my fingers the number of times I have been away from home. My parents used to not let me travel. Now that I'm married, going out without him seemed like a real waste of time.

Anyway, it's been decided. I will have a love affair. I packed my bag while Juval was sleeping. I stuffed my bag with a few clothes, some cash, my IDs, a personal care kit and some other things. I wanted my packing done right away... before I changed my mind... before my resolve to be in this love affair be forever undone.

I waited nervously for him to wake up. All the while I was preparing for the trip Eat, Pray, Love was on HBO so I took it as a sign. I will eat, I will pray and I will love in Ilocos. When he woke up, I had to steel myself and tell him I was dead serious about wanting to go on a trip, alone if I have to. He said I just have to make sure I'd take care of myself. I knew he wasn't comfortable with the idea of me travelling alone but he knew I'm at a point where I've already made up my mind about something and there's no going back.

A couple of hours later, I was already on board a bus which will take me to Laoag. I printed out a copy of my intended itinerary for my husband so he'd know where I'd be. I kept my promise and texted him every hour or so. I felt like a child on her first day at school, excited and scared at the same time.

Several stop-overs and a few attempts to get off at the wrong terminal which were luckily corrected by the bus conductor, I found myself in Laoag finally. It was 3am and I didn't know where to go from there. Again, Superman in his bus conductor suit saved the day and got me on the right bus to get me to Maoini. I will go to Pagudpud first.

Pagudpud is such a friendly place. I think everyone assumed automatically that people who go on a trip to Ilocos alone must either be broken hearted or just plain mental. I didn't bother explaining myself. I purposely gave vague answers to questions thrown at me. I think they all think I was healing a badly broken heart. Filipinos, being very family-oriented find solo trips quite unusual especially for women.

What I didn't tell anyone was that I went to Ilocos to have a love affair. Being in a profession which requires me to deal with human emotions, frailties and eccentricities can be taxing not only to the body and the mind but more so to the heart. I have decided to have a love affair with solitude for a few days at a time. I have decided to have some me-time, some time alone, some time to not have to attend to anyone else's needs but just my needs.

With the kind of love affair I have decided to start having, I'd go back home balanced, refreshed, full of life again and able to love even more. I'd only be here in this time, place and situation once, I have to make a difference if not in the lives of millions but at least to the ones I come across with everyday.

As for my husband, he'd be nervous again when I tell him I plan to go to another trip somewhere alone again. He would see that fire in my eyes which say I won't take no for an answer. He would reluctantly say yes again and all the while praying to God Almighty that I may not get off at the wrong terminal again. He would check on me and monitor my whereabouts through the net in a stalker-like fashion. He would say yes because he would know I'd be an even better wife when I come back. He'd say yes because we'd both be happier if he does. This is why I married him. Cliche as it may be but he completes me. Happy Monday evening!

How did I know he wasn't Mr. Right?

I was still very young then. I wanted everything to be picture perfect, like the ones you read in romantic novels. But it didn't end up that way and I knew way before it all ended that it wasn't going to last. How did I know? I won't be able to answer that question without first, telling you a bit more about myself.

I'm the eldest child. I was taught to excel in most everything I do. I was trained and honed to succeed in something someday. When he became my boyfriend, I admit I was head over heels for some time. I couldn't understand why a senior would want to go out with a freshie. I still felt awkward about my shape. I was in the stage where I wasn't a child anymore but I wasn't woman enough yet while he, he was already learned then. I looked up to him. I thought he was really cool for knowing a lot of things. He was even cooler because he could always find something wrong about anything. I felt insuficient being with him. I couldn't cope with all his ideas and ideals. But that wasn't how I knew he wasn't the one.

One day, my friends (including him) decided for no apparent reason to take the civil service exam. Someone proposed that we all contributed a certain amount and whoever gets the highest score will get all the money. Being stingy, I refused to take part in the bet and the bet didn't push through.

When the scores came out, I got the highest score. I immediately felt like a loser for I was going to win 7 times more than my "investment" had I joined the bet. What he did was he took my score sheet, looked at it and while laughing tore a bit of it. That was the Aha! moment. That was the moment of truth. He can't possibly Mr. Right if he can't be happy for my successes. He can't be Mr. Right if he can't allow me to have the spotlight every once in a while. He can't be Mr. Right if he doesn't feel I deserve some small victories.

A little over a decade after, I found out he had gotten married. I didn't feel any sadness whatsoever. I hoped that he had found happiness in someone who complements him. Then I found out he hasn't changed much. I was told to thank my stars I didn't end up with him for he was making his wife's life miserable. Upon finding out about that I felt validated and I did pray to thank God I had that Aha! moment that day.

So girls, actually, this applies to boys too. If you are in a relationship that doesn't support, nurture or just tolerate your dreams, you are in the wrong relationship. We only go through life as we have it now, once. It simply is foolish to waste it by spending it with someone you don't deserve so get out of that relationship. There is always a choice. You just have to desire to make a difference in your life.

When we become parents

When our children come, Juval and I won't go out as often anymore. We'd be losing sleep all the time. I won't be able to visit my favorite shops as often. He won't be able to pick me up from the office when I have a bad day. We'll worry about buying diapers at first, then tuition fees, then girlfriends and boyfriends, heartbreaks. The very things our own parents have worried about. Our dreams would no longer be exclusive to the two of us. We're going to have to include those of our kids' too. I would want to be called a cool mom but I would probably not be very cool when our children reach their teens. I would probably be as protective and annoying as my mom was when I younger.  

but... 

We still want to have children. We want to see little Juvals and little Jodelles running around and making a mess of the house. We want to hear children's laughter. We want to be called Tatay and Nanay or Dad and Mom in English. We want to be able to think, fear, love and decide as parents. We want to impart our learnings to a younger generation and hope that we were able to guide them properly into being proud Filipinos, law-abiding citizens, God-fearing people and most especially, balanced and happy individuals. 

until then....

I'll continue visiting my favorite shoe and thrift stores. I'll ask him to pick me up after I had a bad day at work. I'll stay acting like I'm his baby. I'll bring him to as many parties and events as I can. I'll have him escort me every time he allows me to get away with it. I'll spend much of my time daydreaming about motherhood. Planning.. hoping... anticipating... being excited...

And I'll love it.  

Would I want to remember?

I have recently had the opportunity to be up close and personal with someone who had lost her memory. She had just lost her loved one with whom she had been married for decades. Through all the preparations for the wake and the burial, she remained unfazed, almost stoic. They were telling her her husband had just died and she thought it was her brother. I saw the grief register on her face for but a minute or two then it was gone again. It was then that it struck me. Would I want to remember? Do I envy her or must I dread that it could happen to anyone?
 
Memories of my past loved ones, achievements and even heartaches have always been very dear to me. Sometimes I love people not because of who they are now but because sometime in the past they have been with me. I couldn't imagine having to die with all my memories lost. I fear the inability to remember how me met, how we fell in love, our wedding day, the fights we had just before we got to wed, how beautiful the flowers were and how I was the most beautiful woman in the church that day and My husband was the most handsome groom I have ever seen.

 I still haven't answered my own question. Would I want to remember? Or would it be better to not remember at all so I would be spared the pain of knowing what I have lost. Up to this very day, I still cry over my lost parents. Sometimes, the pain just hits me so hard especially when my defenses are not up. Sometimes, it can be because it is drizzling or that I heard a song that I once sang with my Mom or my Dad. Sometimes, their friends would tell us stories about them which are absolutely the opposite of the version we were told. I still long to ask them questions, to clarify things, to ask if I have made them proud. Sometimes...

Sometimes, it helps to remember the happy times. Sometimes, it helps to remember the sad ones when I need the burst of energy to follow through something. But most of the time, the void that was left when they left just becomes too big, too hallow, too much to bear. 

Would I want to remember? Would it be worth it to remember? I don't know.