Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Happily ever afters

Last night, my youngest sister was talking to me about a song that had recently become one of her favorites. The song talked about the writer's cynical take on happy endings and fairy tales. It brought me to thinking about my own ideas on and of happily ever afters.

When I was younger, it seemed much too easy to give advice left and right. I never ran out of people to give an advice or two to for some reason. I was sure I was doing them a favor. I was sure I was giving sound advice. This was all before painful eye-openers have been presented to me by life. This was all during a time when I thought my happily every afters are fated to come to me regardless of what I do and that some people are meant to breeze through life and I was one of them. How foolish I was.

Years of heartaches and heartbreaks after, I have slowly become a different person. Now, every time something painful and shattering happens to me, I try to seek answers inside of me before anything else. I know it's contrary to what most people will suggest. Most people will want to speak to others, ask for their opinions and most importantly, give them instructions on how to survive. At times of heartaches, people are naturally inclined to seek the warmth of another human body, the acceptance of one soul for another and forgiveness when necessary so their healing process may begin.

I operate a little differently. I seek inwards. I talk to myself about what I'm going through. I forgive and ask forgiveness from myself for wrong decisions that I make. Sometimes, when I'm being very cooperative with myself, I even find peace because I get to be able to put the pieces of the puzzle together. When I understand how and why things became what they have become, then my healing process begins. When my healing process begins, I am able to come up with a plan to be prepared for a similar situation in the future. When I have a plan, I feel guided. I feel I have a purpose.

I think I prefer to look inside rather than seek answers outside because I believe I have the key to prevent the same painful experience from taking place again if I choose right. Of course, there are things that I cannot control but at least, I can prepare for them. I believe we were all given the ability to do better at everything we do if we put our minds to it. I believe there is no greater measure of being truly human than being able to make mistakes, correct them and learn from them.

I have become more patient, more understanding, more forgiving and more loving because of heartaches and heartbreaks. I have become a little less judgmental of people's choices. I have become a little less cynical about happy endings and fairy tales although my life story will no longer be about fairy godmothers coming to rescue me from pains I have brought upon myself or about a knight in shining armor kissing all my woes away and bringing me with him to chase the sunset in perfect bliss. I know now my happily ever afters can take place with a little work, a little more faith, a little more love, a little more wisdom from an untiring work-in-progress called myself.

Yes, I do believe in happily ever afters. I hope you all find yours. Happy Thursday!

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Back from Hibernation... with Vengeance

Back from hibernation

I have purposely stayed away from doing anything online for a few weeks. Part of the changes I have had and still having from childhood to adulthood is trying to convey my thoughts more diplomatically as much as I can. If I wrote anything during my hibernation, there wouldn't be anything diplomatic in any of them. You see, I'm sure I offend people at times but I don't do it because I just want to be mean. Usually, shamefully, I offend people while I was trying to be funny. In fact, a friend told me recently that people just have to get used to my idea of funny.

Anyway, I have stayed offline because I felt like my sad and angry thoughts were not worthy of being seen and read by people online. I mean we all have our own crosses to bear in life, why would I want to subject you to my never-ending, life-consuming journey to do better than before in everything I do? In a way, I think, I'd like to share only those thoughts that I have already been able to refine. I believe I'd be able to help more with my refined thoughts than with my work-in-progress thoughts. Also, I guess I still want to maintain a sense of mystery in what I write. I write stuff that can be interpreted as a totally different thing from what I really have in mind. I find a certain sense of .... balance between my online self and my inner self and anonymity.

While I was hibernating, I was healing a broken heart but not in the romantic way. There were friendships I had to let go of and there were goals I have already set my mind on that I had to put behind me. I also needed time to regain myself. I have let myself be subjected to some major renovation just so I could fit in. I had to call my real self back to the surface. There were quite a few things I was going through all at once.

All the while I was going through all these things, my husband has been very supportive. I only needed to tell him I need space and time to process my feelings. I only needed to ask and he gave it to me. I'm very thankful that my husband gave me the space I needed to make sense out of the feelings I was feeling.. anger, sadness, a sense of loss of direction. I was in the "grieving" stage for about a week.

The following week, I started a DVD marathon. I saw and saw again seasons 1 to 3 of Vampire Diaries. I guess I chose that show because whatever I was going through can't compare to the problems of that show's characters. Imagine being a vampire and a "vegetarian" vampire at that! what could be more complicated than that?

The few weeks after that were the most fun. I read. I read a lot. I bought quite a few books on fiction and Celtic Mythology. I revisited some books I've already read in the past. I read the Chronicles of Narnia for the first time. I got a book on paper cutting which I started doing too. I started reading atuff for school. I read, I read a lot and I enjoyed it tremendously. I felt like my brain started working again. I felt like I was rejuvenated. Surprisingly, I was energized by being alone with my thoughts.

Now, I am taking baby steps, cautious baby steps and I'm hopeful. Here's to finding our very own places under the sun.

Monday, August 20, 2012

50 Shades of Love

I've not been online much recently. I have been... thinking... a lot. I have tremendously enjoyed having time to read. In 6 weeks, I was able to read about a dozen books. I read quite a few of Anne Rice's, J.K. Rowling (reread), Tolkien and some other non-fiction materials. Very recently, I was introduced to 50 Shades of Grey by a new found friend of mine. I was able to finish all the 3 50 Shades books in about 1 week for I could do it only after I got home from work or from my post grad classes. 

Christian Grey is a character that is in need of a lot of help. Despite his "interesting" extra-curricular activities, he appealed to me as someone who had it rough and had to find a way to cope. I can understand his character because everyone can at one point or another experience something that will be too much for him or her to understand. When the pain is too much, one looks for a way to cope. Mr. Grey made me think about my own way of coping up. 

When my dad passed on when I was 19 and my siblings were 16, 14 and 7, I thought it was pain that will never go away. It was a kind of pain that is so many shades darker than breaking up with a boyfriend or having a fight with a friend. It was like drowning in the middle of the ocean and not seeing any possibility of help from anyone and anywhere. 

My mom and my siblings needed me to be strong and so I became strong, at least in appearance... at least in front of them. I wasn't taking sh*t from anyone. If anyone gives my family sh*t, I made sure they'd hear from me. I made sure they would listen. I was strong. 

They didn't have to know I was smoking a pack and a half of cigarettes in school every day so I can control my breathing and my crying. They didn't have to know I was scared I wouldn't be able to stand up to the challenge. They didn't have to know I wasn't sure I was strong enough to push us all past that loss.

We made it somehow. Years passed and the memories that are left are those of happier times. Then my mom had to go too.... unexpectedly and oh so suddenly. 

When mom passed on, I was already with my very own Anastasia Steele. My Anastasia Steele held my hand when things were too rough. I coped by working full time and trying to maintain a home for my siblings. I coped through tiring myself so I won't have to feel sad or to confront the void I was feeling. I got off from work at 2pm, got home at 3pm then I would start cooking dinner, cleaning the house, doing a bit of laundry so I would be dead tired by 8pm and not have time to think or grieve. 

My experiences have led me to become a little more understanding of people. We will all go through things that will hurt us. We will all experience things that will change how we view life. In Mr. Grey's case, he saw himself as unworthy of love and that led him to live a very "colorful" secret life. In my case, my experiences have made me see possibilities in everything. 

Going beyond what is erotic and sensual in Mr. Grey's life, I saw his story as a love story. I am happy Mr. Grey found freedom in the end. I am happy he found love that embraced all that he is, scars and all. I hope we all do find our happy endings.  

Thursday, May 31, 2012


Moving on from a broken relationship requires a lot of strength. Sometimes, it's easier to stay in a situation you have already been accustomed to no matter how loveless or painful it may be than to go out and venture into the unknown. I've seen it happen all the time. It becomes even more difficult knowing it's only your heart that will be broken.

At one point, we all hoped that our current relationship is the one, true love of our lives, the one who will be with us until the end but we all know that isn't always the case. Sometimes, no matter how perfect things have started, a goodbye becomes inevitable. So what do you do when the time for goodbye comes?

I find it easier to move on from a dying relationship when I am sure I have given it my all, when I have done everything for the person to see who I am inside, when I have exerted effort for him to know my thoughts so he would understand me and when I have done everything I could to know, understand and support him in any way I could. When I am sure that I gave the relationship everything I could give to make it work, it becomes easier to move on when needed. It just gives me peace inside even while going through a goodbye when I am certain of the hardwork I have done. This is why I have learned to give every single relationship I have my best.

The most bitter goodbyes I have experienced happened after I realized I couldn't lose anymore of who I am in order to reach out to someone. The funny thing is sometimes, the very things that attracted someone to you at first becomes the source of disagreements later. However, My biggest contribution to any relationship I am in is who I am. If I give away too much of that away, what is left behind is a poor imitation of everything I can give to the relationship. After trying to work on things, I come to a realization that even if the two parties reach out as they much as they can, the gap remains too big to overcome. When that happens, the door seems near and clear. It has never been easy. My heart always breaks and I still go through some period of mourning but because I have tried, I am satisfied.

As I write this, my heart is in turmoil. I have some relationships which are ending. They are soon to give way to some new relationships but I know I may not be able to keep things the way they are now after I walk out. My heart is crying but my mind is already moving on. I am saying goodbye with tears in my eyes but my heart is full of hope. It's a great way to start the rest of the year.

Happy Friday!

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Sundays at Tiffany's

Just the other day I saw Sundays at Tiffany's again on HBO. The movie never fails to make me feel like a school girl again. Movies and novels have a way of presenting potentially complicated situations as easily solvable. Falling in love with a demi-god or a century-old vampire never seemed too hard in movies. Somehow, things just have a way of falling into their right places. How I wish that is the case in real life but it's not.

The protagonist in the movie is about to get married to an actor. He is a very good-looking man but it was obvious he was more in love with himself than with with anyone else including the woman he is about to marry. Then, the protagonist's imaginary friend somehow came back and he is also a handsome, young man. Who will not fall in love with a man who cooks for you or who likes pillow fights with you? It's like having the ultimate boyfriend and bestfriend all rolled into one. On the other hand, who wouldn't break up with a man who thinks he is the center of the universe? After all, there cannot be two divas in a relationship. But life is, most of the time, so much more complicated than that.

What if the protagonist is in a relationship with someone who adores her and yet she somehow falls for Mr. Wrong Guy for Every Girl in Town? What if the protagonist somehow feels the loving relationship she has isn't enough? What if Mr. Right isn't a selfish, self-centered man? Now things ARE complicated. That's what life is. Life is full of complications. Do you leave Mr. Right for a chance to be with Mr. Wrong? Your mind knows the answer but your heart doesn't want to understand reason. Your heart may never, ever understand reason. Whichever road you choose, it will alter your life in a way that may not be repairable. Your decision will affect not only you but everyone around you too. I don't think there is a solution. I don't think there is one strong drug that will make your mind and your heart work together when they are pulling you in different directions. I believe only time will decide which is the right thing to do. Time will test whether your heart is bringing you to the person for you or not. Buy some time for the smoke to clear a bit. This may or may not be just another fleeting feeling. If it is, no need to rock the boat you are in. You see, there is a reason why you call him Mr. Wrong.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Should you stay or should you go?

Making decisions is never easy especially when it involves relationships. The decision on whether to stay or give things another shot will always be complicated. Every relationship has its challenges and when you're faced with challenges do you take the first flight out and cut loss or do you brave the storm and invest some more of your time and emotions?

If you decide to take the flight option, start a new journey and take another route in finding your place under the sun, you will have another chance. You will have one more opportunity to start things over, rethink your strategy, learn why the previous relationship didn't work and most especially, reinvent yourself so you'd be a better version of yourself with a clean slate.

If you decide to take the fight option, you have to decide whether you still have enough of yourself left to try one more time to make things work. Can you give any more than you already have without losing sight of who you are as a person? Can your heart still take it if the whole venture fails again? What if the changes you will do to adjust will not be enough to erase the errors in your past?

As I write this I still haven't decided. I am weighing my options, my pains versus my happy moments, my hurts versus the chances of success this time, the comfort of the things I am already familiar with or the excitement brought about by the uncertainty of the unknown. Each of us have our own measures of what is right and what is wrong so whatever our decision be there would be consequences which we have to prepare for. If we take the flight this may be a one-way trip and returning at a later time may not be an option. If we take the fight option this may turn out to be the best decision we'll ever make or the biggest mistake we'll commit. I may be confused right now but however things turn out, I am taking responsibility for it and so should you.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Washed Away

a little piece of paper, worthless as it seems

but that little piece of paper once held my dreams

it was given to you together with my heart

it was given to you so we won't ever part

but that little piece of paper got washed away

together with every possibility from yesterday

i refuse to be regretful for i did what i could

now let's just both move on as we should

some things we can never fix once broken

some chances we can never ever regain

some loves we can never really have and keep

some hurts won't heal for they are too deep