Happily ever afters

Last night, my youngest sister was talking to me about a song that had recently become one of her favorites. The song talked about the writer's cynical take on happy endings and fairy tales. It brought me to thinking about my own ideas on and of happily ever afters.

When I was younger, it seemed much too easy to give advice left and right. I never ran out of people to give an advice or two to for some reason. I was sure I was doing them a favor. I was sure I was giving sound advice. This was all before painful eye-openers have been presented to me by life. This was all during a time when I thought my happily every afters are fated to come to me regardless of what I do and that some people are meant to breeze through life and I was one of them. How foolish I was.

Years of heartaches and heartbreaks after, I have slowly become a different person. Now, every time something painful and shattering happens to me, I try to seek answers inside of me before anything else. I know it's contrary to what most people will suggest. Most people will want to speak to others, ask for their opinions and most importantly, give them instructions on how to survive. At times of heartaches, people are naturally inclined to seek the warmth of another human body, the acceptance of one soul for another and forgiveness when necessary so their healing process may begin.

I operate a little differently. I seek inwards. I talk to myself about what I'm going through. I forgive and ask forgiveness from myself for wrong decisions that I make. Sometimes, when I'm being very cooperative with myself, I even find peace because I get to be able to put the pieces of the puzzle together. When I understand how and why things became what they have become, then my healing process begins. When my healing process begins, I am able to come up with a plan to be prepared for a similar situation in the future. When I have a plan, I feel guided. I feel I have a purpose.

I think I prefer to look inside rather than seek answers outside because I believe I have the key to prevent the same painful experience from taking place again if I choose right. Of course, there are things that I cannot control but at least, I can prepare for them. I believe we were all given the ability to do better at everything we do if we put our minds to it. I believe there is no greater measure of being truly human than being able to make mistakes, correct them and learn from them.

I have become more patient, more understanding, more forgiving and more loving because of heartaches and heartbreaks. I have become a little less judgmental of people's choices. I have become a little less cynical about happy endings and fairy tales although my life story will no longer be about fairy godmothers coming to rescue me from pains I have brought upon myself or about a knight in shining armor kissing all my woes away and bringing me with him to chase the sunset in perfect bliss. I know now my happily ever afters can take place with a little work, a little more faith, a little more love, a little more wisdom from an untiring work-in-progress called myself.

Yes, I do believe in happily ever afters. I hope you all find yours. Happy Thursday!

Back from Hibernation... with Vengeance

Back from hibernation

I have purposely stayed away from doing anything online for a few weeks. Part of the changes I have had and still having from childhood to adulthood is trying to convey my thoughts more diplomatically as much as I can. If I wrote anything during my hibernation, there wouldn't be anything diplomatic in any of them. You see, I'm sure I offend people at times but I don't do it because I just want to be mean. Usually, shamefully, I offend people while I was trying to be funny. In fact, a friend told me recently that people just have to get used to my idea of funny.

Anyway, I have stayed offline because I felt like my sad and angry thoughts were not worthy of being seen and read by people online. I mean we all have our own crosses to bear in life, why would I want to subject you to my never-ending, life-consuming journey to do better than before in everything I do? In a way, I think, I'd like to share only those thoughts that I have already been able to refine. I believe I'd be able to help more with my refined thoughts than with my work-in-progress thoughts. Also, I guess I still want to maintain a sense of mystery in what I write. I write stuff that can be interpreted as a totally different thing from what I really have in mind. I find a certain sense of .... balance between my online self and my inner self and anonymity.

While I was hibernating, I was healing a broken heart but not in the romantic way. There were friendships I had to let go of and there were goals I have already set my mind on that I had to put behind me. I also needed time to regain myself. I have let myself be subjected to some major renovation just so I could fit in. I had to call my real self back to the surface. There were quite a few things I was going through all at once.

All the while I was going through all these things, my husband has been very supportive. I only needed to tell him I need space and time to process my feelings. I only needed to ask and he gave it to me. I'm very thankful that my husband gave me the space I needed to make sense out of the feelings I was feeling.. anger, sadness, a sense of loss of direction. I was in the "grieving" stage for about a week.

The following week, I started a DVD marathon. I saw and saw again seasons 1 to 3 of Vampire Diaries. I guess I chose that show because whatever I was going through can't compare to the problems of that show's characters. Imagine being a vampire and a "vegetarian" vampire at that! what could be more complicated than that?

The few weeks after that were the most fun. I read. I read a lot. I bought quite a few books on fiction and Celtic Mythology. I revisited some books I've already read in the past. I read the Chronicles of Narnia for the first time. I got a book on paper cutting which I started doing too. I started reading atuff for school. I read, I read a lot and I enjoyed it tremendously. I felt like my brain started working again. I felt like I was rejuvenated. Surprisingly, I was energized by being alone with my thoughts.

Now, I am taking baby steps, cautious baby steps and I'm hopeful. Here's to finding our very own places under the sun.

50 Shades of Love

I've not been online much recently. I have been... thinking... a lot. I have tremendously enjoyed having time to read. In 6 weeks, I was able to read about a dozen books. I read quite a few of Anne Rice's, J.K. Rowling (reread), Tolkien and some other non-fiction materials. Very recently, I was introduced to 50 Shades of Grey by a new found friend of mine. I was able to finish all the 3 50 Shades books in about 1 week for I could do it only after I got home from work or from my post grad classes. 

Christian Grey is a character that is in need of a lot of help. Despite his "interesting" extra-curricular activities, he appealed to me as someone who had it rough and had to find a way to cope. I can understand his character because everyone can at one point or another experience something that will be too much for him or her to understand. When the pain is too much, one looks for a way to cope. Mr. Grey made me think about my own way of coping up. 

When my dad passed on when I was 19 and my siblings were 16, 14 and 7, I thought it was pain that will never go away. It was a kind of pain that is so many shades darker than breaking up with a boyfriend or having a fight with a friend. It was like drowning in the middle of the ocean and not seeing any possibility of help from anyone and anywhere. 

My mom and my siblings needed me to be strong and so I became strong, at least in appearance... at least in front of them. I wasn't taking sh*t from anyone. If anyone gives my family sh*t, I made sure they'd hear from me. I made sure they would listen. I was strong. 

They didn't have to know I was smoking a pack and a half of cigarettes in school every day so I can control my breathing and my crying. They didn't have to know I was scared I wouldn't be able to stand up to the challenge. They didn't have to know I wasn't sure I was strong enough to push us all past that loss.

We made it somehow. Years passed and the memories that are left are those of happier times. Then my mom had to go too.... unexpectedly and oh so suddenly. 

When mom passed on, I was already with my very own Anastasia Steele. My Anastasia Steele held my hand when things were too rough. I coped by working full time and trying to maintain a home for my siblings. I coped through tiring myself so I won't have to feel sad or to confront the void I was feeling. I got off from work at 2pm, got home at 3pm then I would start cooking dinner, cleaning the house, doing a bit of laundry so I would be dead tired by 8pm and not have time to think or grieve. 

My experiences have led me to become a little more understanding of people. We will all go through things that will hurt us. We will all experience things that will change how we view life. In Mr. Grey's case, he saw himself as unworthy of love and that led him to live a very "colorful" secret life. In my case, my experiences have made me see possibilities in everything. 

Going beyond what is erotic and sensual in Mr. Grey's life, I saw his story as a love story. I am happy Mr. Grey found freedom in the end. I am happy he found love that embraced all that he is, scars and all. I hope we all do find our happy endings.  

Goodbyes

Moving on from a broken relationship requires a lot of strength. Sometimes, it's easier to stay in a situation you have already been accustomed to no matter how loveless or painful it may be than to go out and venture into the unknown. I've seen it happen all the time. It becomes even more difficult knowing it's only your heart that will be broken.

At one point, we all hoped that our current relationship is the one, true love of our lives, the one who will be with us until the end but we all know that isn't always the case. Sometimes, no matter how perfect things have started, a goodbye becomes inevitable. So what do you do when the time for goodbye comes?

I find it easier to move on from a dying relationship when I am sure I have given it my all, when I have done everything for the person to see who I am inside, when I have exerted effort for him to know my thoughts so he would understand me and when I have done everything I could to know, understand and support him in any way I could. When I am sure that I gave the relationship everything I could give to make it work, it becomes easier to move on when needed. It just gives me peace inside even while going through a goodbye when I am certain of the hardwork I have done. This is why I have learned to give every single relationship I have my best.

The most bitter goodbyes I have experienced happened after I realized I couldn't lose anymore of who I am in order to reach out to someone. The funny thing is sometimes, the very things that attracted someone to you at first becomes the source of disagreements later. However, My biggest contribution to any relationship I am in is who I am. If I give away too much of that away, what is left behind is a poor imitation of everything I can give to the relationship. After trying to work on things, I come to a realization that even if the two parties reach out as they much as they can, the gap remains too big to overcome. When that happens, the door seems near and clear. It has never been easy. My heart always breaks and I still go through some period of mourning but because I have tried, I am satisfied.

As I write this, my heart is in turmoil. I have some relationships which are ending. They are soon to give way to some new relationships but I know I may not be able to keep things the way they are now after I walk out. My heart is crying but my mind is already moving on. I am saying goodbye with tears in my eyes but my heart is full of hope. It's a great way to start the rest of the year.

Happy Friday!

Sundays at Tiffany's

Just the other day I saw Sundays at Tiffany's again on HBO. The movie never fails to make me feel like a school girl again. Movies and novels have a way of presenting potentially complicated situations as easily solvable. Falling in love with a demi-god or a century-old vampire never seemed too hard in movies. Somehow, things just have a way of falling into their right places. How I wish that is the case in real life but it's not.

The protagonist in the movie is about to get married to an actor. He is a very good-looking man but it was obvious he was more in love with himself than with with anyone else including the woman he is about to marry. Then, the protagonist's imaginary friend somehow came back and he is also a handsome, young man. Who will not fall in love with a man who cooks for you or who likes pillow fights with you? It's like having the ultimate boyfriend and bestfriend all rolled into one. On the other hand, who wouldn't break up with a man who thinks he is the center of the universe? After all, there cannot be two divas in a relationship. But life is, most of the time, so much more complicated than that.

What if the protagonist is in a relationship with someone who adores her and yet she somehow falls for Mr. Wrong Guy for Every Girl in Town? What if the protagonist somehow feels the loving relationship she has isn't enough? What if Mr. Right isn't a selfish, self-centered man? Now things ARE complicated. That's what life is. Life is full of complications. Do you leave Mr. Right for a chance to be with Mr. Wrong? Your mind knows the answer but your heart doesn't want to understand reason. Your heart may never, ever understand reason. Whichever road you choose, it will alter your life in a way that may not be repairable. Your decision will affect not only you but everyone around you too. I don't think there is a solution. I don't think there is one strong drug that will make your mind and your heart work together when they are pulling you in different directions. I believe only time will decide which is the right thing to do. Time will test whether your heart is bringing you to the person for you or not. Buy some time for the smoke to clear a bit. This may or may not be just another fleeting feeling. If it is, no need to rock the boat you are in. You see, there is a reason why you call him Mr. Wrong.

Should you stay or should you go?

Making decisions is never easy especially when it involves relationships. The decision on whether to stay or give things another shot will always be complicated. Every relationship has its challenges and when you're faced with challenges do you take the first flight out and cut loss or do you brave the storm and invest some more of your time and emotions?

If you decide to take the flight option, start a new journey and take another route in finding your place under the sun, you will have another chance. You will have one more opportunity to start things over, rethink your strategy, learn why the previous relationship didn't work and most especially, reinvent yourself so you'd be a better version of yourself with a clean slate.

If you decide to take the fight option, you have to decide whether you still have enough of yourself left to try one more time to make things work. Can you give any more than you already have without losing sight of who you are as a person? Can your heart still take it if the whole venture fails again? What if the changes you will do to adjust will not be enough to erase the errors in your past?

As I write this I still haven't decided. I am weighing my options, my pains versus my happy moments, my hurts versus the chances of success this time, the comfort of the things I am already familiar with or the excitement brought about by the uncertainty of the unknown. Each of us have our own measures of what is right and what is wrong so whatever our decision be there would be consequences which we have to prepare for. If we take the flight this may be a one-way trip and returning at a later time may not be an option. If we take the fight option this may turn out to be the best decision we'll ever make or the biggest mistake we'll commit. I may be confused right now but however things turn out, I am taking responsibility for it and so should you.

Washed Away

a little piece of paper, worthless as it seems

but that little piece of paper once held my dreams

it was given to you together with my heart

it was given to you so we won't ever part



but that little piece of paper got washed away

together with every possibility from yesterday

i refuse to be regretful for i did what i could

now let's just both move on as we should



some things we can never fix once broken

some chances we can never ever regain

some loves we can never really have and keep

some hurts won't heal for they are too deep

I'd rather sleep while I'm in love...

Yup, the title was intentionally patterned to the song I'd rather leave while I'm in love. It best described my motto last night.  I decided to sleep it off rather than push for a hasty resolution to an argument. Here's how it happened.

Last night, when I got home after running s bit, my high heels in colors wasn't talking to me. I tried being the playful cat, the spoiled wife, the seductress and the amazon woman but for some reason, he was so engrossed in whatever he was reading that he didn't even notice me. I felt rotten. I have become used to coming home to share stories with him. I had so much to tell him last night but he wouldn't even look at me. :(

After about two hours of trying, I gave up. I started not talking. I got on the bike and decided to just lose some calories while I lose some of the hurt I was feeling. It actually worked... for me. I went to bed tired and slept like a baby. Because I went to bed early, I got up early too. I have evaluated my feelings. It all didn't seem so bad anymore. If I pushed for a fight last night, we would both go to bed angry. We would both be losing on sleep. We would both be even more annoyed with each other.

I hear a lot of people say never to go to bed when there is an unresolved disagreement between 2 married people. To me, thst's alright if the argument happened on a weekend but if it happened on a weeknight, I'd say let's just sleep it off. When you wake up the following day, when you have rested, things that were so unforgettably annoying last night are most likely not so annoying anymore. 

I appreciate it when people give advice on how to go about marriage and everything else that goes with it. I'm sure they meant well but this advice I'd rather not heed. People are free to make decisions on their own depending on what they think is the best way to go over a certain difficulty. To me, no matter what other people say, you decide what you want to do. Being married is never easy. It constantly requires hard work. You should do whatever works for you. If you think it's better to surface an argument before going to sleep, go ahead and do so. If you feel it's better to sleep it off, it is your choice. Life is all about choices. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Just make sure that when you make your choices, you live by it and take responsibility for it. 

As for me, I'm taking my sweet time before I talk to my high heels in colors. I'm not mad and I didn't say anything that I would regret when I was feeling hurt so I'm happy with my choice.

Happy Thursday!

On shoes and relationships

When explaining why a certain relationship didn't work, I always say keeping a relationship is like shopping for a pair of shoes. You go to a shop, browse through all the pairs and pairs of shoes being offered especially the ones that are new arrivals or those which are on sale. You get the pair of shoes which catches your fancy. You consider the color, the size and the style. If you can easily see yourself wearing that pair of shoes then you ask to be able to try it on for sometime. You see if it fits you. If it does, then you go on with the purchase and go  home happily thinking you have this new pair of fantastic shoes you can wear with this new dress you got the other day. If it doesn't fit, then you return the shoes where you got them (it's only proper that you do), start from step 1 all the way through finding another pair to try on again. 


Talking to women, the shoe analogy works wonderfully most of the time. I usually get a nod and that look in their faces that say they totally understand what I'm talking about. I have yet to meet men who would understand me when I talk about the shoe analogy. I'll try it the very next time a man talks to me about relationships.


When we were younger, our choices in shoes and relationships were governed by what we perceived as the important things in life. I used to like shoes that have glitters and anything that shimmers. Looking back, I think maybe what I was looking for were men who unabashedly show off their best qualities, usually physical. 


A few years forward and my choice in shoes changed to the ones which required less attention so I can move freely from one responsibility to another. Unfortunately, instead of finding someone who isn't clingy and high maintenance, I found the complete opposite. I found someone who regularly required someone to make him feel like a better man than he actually was. The funny part was, I fell for it. Shoot! Talk about irony. 


Anyway, after the comfortable shoes, I moved on to high heels in colors. I have become a part of partnership where my quirkiness and my everything is just as important as his quirkiness and everything. I have become comfortable in my own skin for I have been allowed to stretch my wings and explore things. I still wear high heels in colors now. I have several pairs in various shades of blue, pink and brown. I have several pairs in black but I have yet to find out how many pairs of black shoes a lady has to have. While I search for the answer, I'll keep on buying and acquiring shoes in high heels and colors. Donations and gifts are welcome by the way. 


Happy Wednesday! 

Words Left Unspoken and Words Better Left Unsaid

Being so sleep-deprived yesterday, I decided to let my imagination fly. I don't see the connection between my lack of sleep and my epiphany yesterday but it somehow happened so I decided yesterday's blog entry would be about words. To be more specific, it will be about words left unspoken and words better left unsaid. Words are powerful. The decision to utter them or forever withold them can lead to a lot of things. The first type of word regret is most often associated with romance. It is usually portrayed as a boy who was never able to tell his female bestfriend that he loves her in a romantic way. She then meets someone else and falls in love with this other person while the male bestfriend feigns support for the girl's newfound romance. Somehow, he didn't really think her new love will ever bloom into something more serious. He had always believed they were meant for each other. He had always believed it will be the two of them who'd end up together. On the night before the girl's wedding, the boy finally gets the inner strength and will to tell her, to stop her from marrying this other guy. She surprises him by saying she wished his big revelation happened way before she met this new guy and they could have been an item but it's all too late for them now. She has chosen to be with this new guy and she loves him. Because our male protagonist never told the female protagonist his feelings for her, something that could have been beautiful between them never materialized. Or, the story can go this way. The male bestfriend falls in love with the female bestfriend. She meets this new guy and falls in love with him. On the night before her wedding, he told her how he feels. She realizes she loves the bestfriend more than the guy who will wait for her at the altar tomorrow. She makes up her mind and calls off the wedding. The new guy accepts defeat gracefully and makes way for the two lovebirds. The bestfriends lived happily ever after. It's a perfect world. The other type of regret is for words that were better left unsaid. How many times have you ever regretted telling someone some hurtful words which scarred him? How many times have you regretted uttering words in the heat of an argument which caused for the fight to escalate even more? I have my share of situations where I found myself saying I should have not said something. I bet you do too. The problem with speaking when we are angry is that our emotions momentarilly colors everything for us. Because a girl is angry, his habits which under normal circumstances would have been acceptable have suddenly become the cause of a heated exchange of words. The word war results to two broken hearts who are both wondering was the other person right? The girl is thinking he called me something that sounded like a witch, does he really see me in that way? The boy is thinking she said she wished we never met, does she really mean that? Because there were words said without screening or the proper framing, there are now two people in love with each other but are doubtful of their love and future with the other.  As one grows older, hopefully he realizes his words can make or break someone's spirit. The choice on whether or not to succumb to the spirit-breaking words depends on how the aggrieved party sees the situation. He can either chalk it up to experience and move on or retreat into his own protective shell never to come back out again. However, it remains to be true that the words said by that spirit-breaking person will somehow change this other person's life in some way and the spirit-breaker shall be held liable. What you sow is what you reap after all. The bottomline is we are all accountable and responsible for our decision to say or not to say some words. Before talking, it must be clear to us what are motivations are. It must be clear if we want to strengthen or dampen another person's spirits. 

How and Why I Decided to Have a Love Affair?

On the night of April 4, 2012, I have made a life-changing decision. I have decided to have a love affair. This was after my husband of almost 5 years now told me he can't leave the city for the long weekend  because he had a lot of catching up to do with work. Although my husband and I don't really see eye to eye on our ideas on what a vacation is, being able to spend time with him would have been so much more preferable than sleeping the holidays away. His idea of a vacation is to stay indoors in a resthouse in a nearby city. My idea of a vacation is well... to go out, see new places, experience new things. I was so heart-broken when he said we can't leave. I have been looking forward to the long weekend for months. Out of the brokenness of my heart and the shattered holiday dreams I was having came my decision to have a love affair.

Since he can't leave, either I leave alone or sulk and feel sorry for myself until the next vacation time comes. I gladly chose the former. I decided I will leave alone. I told him right before sleeping on Wednesday night that I wanted to go and see Ilocos. I have never been there before. In fact, I can easily count with my fingers the number of times I have been away from home. My parents used to not let me travel. Now that I'm married, going out without him seemed like a real waste of time.

Anyway, it's been decided. I will have a love affair. I packed my bag while Juval was sleeping. I stuffed my bag with a few clothes, some cash, my IDs, a personal care kit and some other things. I wanted my packing done right away... before I changed my mind... before my resolve to be in this love affair be forever undone.

I waited nervously for him to wake up. All the while I was preparing for the trip Eat, Pray, Love was on HBO so I took it as a sign. I will eat, I will pray and I will love in Ilocos. When he woke up, I had to steel myself and tell him I was dead serious about wanting to go on a trip, alone if I have to. He said I just have to make sure I'd take care of myself. I knew he wasn't comfortable with the idea of me travelling alone but he knew I'm at a point where I've already made up my mind about something and there's no going back.

A couple of hours later, I was already on board a bus which will take me to Laoag. I printed out a copy of my intended itinerary for my husband so he'd know where I'd be. I kept my promise and texted him every hour or so. I felt like a child on her first day at school, excited and scared at the same time.

Several stop-overs and a few attempts to get off at the wrong terminal which were luckily corrected by the bus conductor, I found myself in Laoag finally. It was 3am and I didn't know where to go from there. Again, Superman in his bus conductor suit saved the day and got me on the right bus to get me to Maoini. I will go to Pagudpud first.

Pagudpud is such a friendly place. I think everyone assumed automatically that people who go on a trip to Ilocos alone must either be broken hearted or just plain mental. I didn't bother explaining myself. I purposely gave vague answers to questions thrown at me. I think they all think I was healing a badly broken heart. Filipinos, being very family-oriented find solo trips quite unusual especially for women.

What I didn't tell anyone was that I went to Ilocos to have a love affair. Being in a profession which requires me to deal with human emotions, frailties and eccentricities can be taxing not only to the body and the mind but more so to the heart. I have decided to have a love affair with solitude for a few days at a time. I have decided to have some me-time, some time alone, some time to not have to attend to anyone else's needs but just my needs.

With the kind of love affair I have decided to start having, I'd go back home balanced, refreshed, full of life again and able to love even more. I'd only be here in this time, place and situation once, I have to make a difference if not in the lives of millions but at least to the ones I come across with everyday.

As for my husband, he'd be nervous again when I tell him I plan to go to another trip somewhere alone again. He would see that fire in my eyes which say I won't take no for an answer. He would reluctantly say yes again and all the while praying to God Almighty that I may not get off at the wrong terminal again. He would check on me and monitor my whereabouts through the net in a stalker-like fashion. He would say yes because he would know I'd be an even better wife when I come back. He'd say yes because we'd both be happier if he does. This is why I married him. Cliche as it may be but he completes me. Happy Monday evening!

How did I know he wasn't Mr. Right?

I was still very young then. I wanted everything to be picture perfect, like the ones you read in romantic novels. But it didn't end up that way and I knew way before it all ended that it wasn't going to last. How did I know? I won't be able to answer that question without first, telling you a bit more about myself.

I'm the eldest child. I was taught to excel in most everything I do. I was trained and honed to succeed in something someday. When he became my boyfriend, I admit I was head over heels for some time. I couldn't understand why a senior would want to go out with a freshie. I still felt awkward about my shape. I was in the stage where I wasn't a child anymore but I wasn't woman enough yet while he, he was already learned then. I looked up to him. I thought he was really cool for knowing a lot of things. He was even cooler because he could always find something wrong about anything. I felt insuficient being with him. I couldn't cope with all his ideas and ideals. But that wasn't how I knew he wasn't the one.

One day, my friends (including him) decided for no apparent reason to take the civil service exam. Someone proposed that we all contributed a certain amount and whoever gets the highest score will get all the money. Being stingy, I refused to take part in the bet and the bet didn't push through.

When the scores came out, I got the highest score. I immediately felt like a loser for I was going to win 7 times more than my "investment" had I joined the bet. What he did was he took my score sheet, looked at it and while laughing tore a bit of it. That was the Aha! moment. That was the moment of truth. He can't possibly Mr. Right if he can't be happy for my successes. He can't be Mr. Right if he can't allow me to have the spotlight every once in a while. He can't be Mr. Right if he doesn't feel I deserve some small victories.

A little over a decade after, I found out he had gotten married. I didn't feel any sadness whatsoever. I hoped that he had found happiness in someone who complements him. Then I found out he hasn't changed much. I was told to thank my stars I didn't end up with him for he was making his wife's life miserable. Upon finding out about that I felt validated and I did pray to thank God I had that Aha! moment that day.

So girls, actually, this applies to boys too. If you are in a relationship that doesn't support, nurture or just tolerate your dreams, you are in the wrong relationship. We only go through life as we have it now, once. It simply is foolish to waste it by spending it with someone you don't deserve so get out of that relationship. There is always a choice. You just have to desire to make a difference in your life.

When we become parents

When our children come, Juval and I won't go out as often anymore. We'd be losing sleep all the time. I won't be able to visit my favorite shops as often. He won't be able to pick me up from the office when I have a bad day. We'll worry about buying diapers at first, then tuition fees, then girlfriends and boyfriends, heartbreaks. The very things our own parents have worried about. Our dreams would no longer be exclusive to the two of us. We're going to have to include those of our kids' too. I would want to be called a cool mom but I would probably not be very cool when our children reach their teens. I would probably be as protective and annoying as my mom was when I younger.  

but... 

We still want to have children. We want to see little Juvals and little Jodelles running around and making a mess of the house. We want to hear children's laughter. We want to be called Tatay and Nanay or Dad and Mom in English. We want to be able to think, fear, love and decide as parents. We want to impart our learnings to a younger generation and hope that we were able to guide them properly into being proud Filipinos, law-abiding citizens, God-fearing people and most especially, balanced and happy individuals. 

until then....

I'll continue visiting my favorite shoe and thrift stores. I'll ask him to pick me up after I had a bad day at work. I'll stay acting like I'm his baby. I'll bring him to as many parties and events as I can. I'll have him escort me every time he allows me to get away with it. I'll spend much of my time daydreaming about motherhood. Planning.. hoping... anticipating... being excited...

And I'll love it.  

Would I want to remember?

I have recently had the opportunity to be up close and personal with someone who had lost her memory. She had just lost her loved one with whom she had been married for decades. Through all the preparations for the wake and the burial, she remained unfazed, almost stoic. They were telling her her husband had just died and she thought it was her brother. I saw the grief register on her face for but a minute or two then it was gone again. It was then that it struck me. Would I want to remember? Do I envy her or must I dread that it could happen to anyone?
 
Memories of my past loved ones, achievements and even heartaches have always been very dear to me. Sometimes I love people not because of who they are now but because sometime in the past they have been with me. I couldn't imagine having to die with all my memories lost. I fear the inability to remember how me met, how we fell in love, our wedding day, the fights we had just before we got to wed, how beautiful the flowers were and how I was the most beautiful woman in the church that day and My husband was the most handsome groom I have ever seen.

 I still haven't answered my own question. Would I want to remember? Or would it be better to not remember at all so I would be spared the pain of knowing what I have lost. Up to this very day, I still cry over my lost parents. Sometimes, the pain just hits me so hard especially when my defenses are not up. Sometimes, it can be because it is drizzling or that I heard a song that I once sang with my Mom or my Dad. Sometimes, their friends would tell us stories about them which are absolutely the opposite of the version we were told. I still long to ask them questions, to clarify things, to ask if I have made them proud. Sometimes...

Sometimes, it helps to remember the happy times. Sometimes, it helps to remember the sad ones when I need the burst of energy to follow through something. But most of the time, the void that was left when they left just becomes too big, too hallow, too much to bear. 

Would I want to remember? Would it be worth it to remember? I don't know.