Goodbyes

Moving on from a broken relationship requires a lot of strength. Sometimes, it's easier to stay in a situation you have already been accustomed to no matter how loveless or painful it may be than to go out and venture into the unknown. I've seen it happen all the time. It becomes even more difficult knowing it's only your heart that will be broken.

At one point, we all hoped that our current relationship is the one, true love of our lives, the one who will be with us until the end but we all know that isn't always the case. Sometimes, no matter how perfect things have started, a goodbye becomes inevitable. So what do you do when the time for goodbye comes?

I find it easier to move on from a dying relationship when I am sure I have given it my all, when I have done everything for the person to see who I am inside, when I have exerted effort for him to know my thoughts so he would understand me and when I have done everything I could to know, understand and support him in any way I could. When I am sure that I gave the relationship everything I could give to make it work, it becomes easier to move on when needed. It just gives me peace inside even while going through a goodbye when I am certain of the hardwork I have done. This is why I have learned to give every single relationship I have my best.

The most bitter goodbyes I have experienced happened after I realized I couldn't lose anymore of who I am in order to reach out to someone. The funny thing is sometimes, the very things that attracted someone to you at first becomes the source of disagreements later. However, My biggest contribution to any relationship I am in is who I am. If I give away too much of that away, what is left behind is a poor imitation of everything I can give to the relationship. After trying to work on things, I come to a realization that even if the two parties reach out as they much as they can, the gap remains too big to overcome. When that happens, the door seems near and clear. It has never been easy. My heart always breaks and I still go through some period of mourning but because I have tried, I am satisfied.

As I write this, my heart is in turmoil. I have some relationships which are ending. They are soon to give way to some new relationships but I know I may not be able to keep things the way they are now after I walk out. My heart is crying but my mind is already moving on. I am saying goodbye with tears in my eyes but my heart is full of hope. It's a great way to start the rest of the year.

Happy Friday!

Sundays at Tiffany's

Just the other day I saw Sundays at Tiffany's again on HBO. The movie never fails to make me feel like a school girl again. Movies and novels have a way of presenting potentially complicated situations as easily solvable. Falling in love with a demi-god or a century-old vampire never seemed too hard in movies. Somehow, things just have a way of falling into their right places. How I wish that is the case in real life but it's not.

The protagonist in the movie is about to get married to an actor. He is a very good-looking man but it was obvious he was more in love with himself than with with anyone else including the woman he is about to marry. Then, the protagonist's imaginary friend somehow came back and he is also a handsome, young man. Who will not fall in love with a man who cooks for you or who likes pillow fights with you? It's like having the ultimate boyfriend and bestfriend all rolled into one. On the other hand, who wouldn't break up with a man who thinks he is the center of the universe? After all, there cannot be two divas in a relationship. But life is, most of the time, so much more complicated than that.

What if the protagonist is in a relationship with someone who adores her and yet she somehow falls for Mr. Wrong Guy for Every Girl in Town? What if the protagonist somehow feels the loving relationship she has isn't enough? What if Mr. Right isn't a selfish, self-centered man? Now things ARE complicated. That's what life is. Life is full of complications. Do you leave Mr. Right for a chance to be with Mr. Wrong? Your mind knows the answer but your heart doesn't want to understand reason. Your heart may never, ever understand reason. Whichever road you choose, it will alter your life in a way that may not be repairable. Your decision will affect not only you but everyone around you too. I don't think there is a solution. I don't think there is one strong drug that will make your mind and your heart work together when they are pulling you in different directions. I believe only time will decide which is the right thing to do. Time will test whether your heart is bringing you to the person for you or not. Buy some time for the smoke to clear a bit. This may or may not be just another fleeting feeling. If it is, no need to rock the boat you are in. You see, there is a reason why you call him Mr. Wrong.

Should you stay or should you go?

Making decisions is never easy especially when it involves relationships. The decision on whether to stay or give things another shot will always be complicated. Every relationship has its challenges and when you're faced with challenges do you take the first flight out and cut loss or do you brave the storm and invest some more of your time and emotions?

If you decide to take the flight option, start a new journey and take another route in finding your place under the sun, you will have another chance. You will have one more opportunity to start things over, rethink your strategy, learn why the previous relationship didn't work and most especially, reinvent yourself so you'd be a better version of yourself with a clean slate.

If you decide to take the fight option, you have to decide whether you still have enough of yourself left to try one more time to make things work. Can you give any more than you already have without losing sight of who you are as a person? Can your heart still take it if the whole venture fails again? What if the changes you will do to adjust will not be enough to erase the errors in your past?

As I write this I still haven't decided. I am weighing my options, my pains versus my happy moments, my hurts versus the chances of success this time, the comfort of the things I am already familiar with or the excitement brought about by the uncertainty of the unknown. Each of us have our own measures of what is right and what is wrong so whatever our decision be there would be consequences which we have to prepare for. If we take the flight this may be a one-way trip and returning at a later time may not be an option. If we take the fight option this may turn out to be the best decision we'll ever make or the biggest mistake we'll commit. I may be confused right now but however things turn out, I am taking responsibility for it and so should you.

Washed Away

a little piece of paper, worthless as it seems

but that little piece of paper once held my dreams

it was given to you together with my heart

it was given to you so we won't ever part



but that little piece of paper got washed away

together with every possibility from yesterday

i refuse to be regretful for i did what i could

now let's just both move on as we should



some things we can never fix once broken

some chances we can never ever regain

some loves we can never really have and keep

some hurts won't heal for they are too deep

I'd rather sleep while I'm in love...

Yup, the title was intentionally patterned to the song I'd rather leave while I'm in love. It best described my motto last night.  I decided to sleep it off rather than push for a hasty resolution to an argument. Here's how it happened.

Last night, when I got home after running s bit, my high heels in colors wasn't talking to me. I tried being the playful cat, the spoiled wife, the seductress and the amazon woman but for some reason, he was so engrossed in whatever he was reading that he didn't even notice me. I felt rotten. I have become used to coming home to share stories with him. I had so much to tell him last night but he wouldn't even look at me. :(

After about two hours of trying, I gave up. I started not talking. I got on the bike and decided to just lose some calories while I lose some of the hurt I was feeling. It actually worked... for me. I went to bed tired and slept like a baby. Because I went to bed early, I got up early too. I have evaluated my feelings. It all didn't seem so bad anymore. If I pushed for a fight last night, we would both go to bed angry. We would both be losing on sleep. We would both be even more annoyed with each other.

I hear a lot of people say never to go to bed when there is an unresolved disagreement between 2 married people. To me, thst's alright if the argument happened on a weekend but if it happened on a weeknight, I'd say let's just sleep it off. When you wake up the following day, when you have rested, things that were so unforgettably annoying last night are most likely not so annoying anymore. 

I appreciate it when people give advice on how to go about marriage and everything else that goes with it. I'm sure they meant well but this advice I'd rather not heed. People are free to make decisions on their own depending on what they think is the best way to go over a certain difficulty. To me, no matter what other people say, you decide what you want to do. Being married is never easy. It constantly requires hard work. You should do whatever works for you. If you think it's better to surface an argument before going to sleep, go ahead and do so. If you feel it's better to sleep it off, it is your choice. Life is all about choices. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Just make sure that when you make your choices, you live by it and take responsibility for it. 

As for me, I'm taking my sweet time before I talk to my high heels in colors. I'm not mad and I didn't say anything that I would regret when I was feeling hurt so I'm happy with my choice.

Happy Thursday!

On shoes and relationships

When explaining why a certain relationship didn't work, I always say keeping a relationship is like shopping for a pair of shoes. You go to a shop, browse through all the pairs and pairs of shoes being offered especially the ones that are new arrivals or those which are on sale. You get the pair of shoes which catches your fancy. You consider the color, the size and the style. If you can easily see yourself wearing that pair of shoes then you ask to be able to try it on for sometime. You see if it fits you. If it does, then you go on with the purchase and go  home happily thinking you have this new pair of fantastic shoes you can wear with this new dress you got the other day. If it doesn't fit, then you return the shoes where you got them (it's only proper that you do), start from step 1 all the way through finding another pair to try on again. 


Talking to women, the shoe analogy works wonderfully most of the time. I usually get a nod and that look in their faces that say they totally understand what I'm talking about. I have yet to meet men who would understand me when I talk about the shoe analogy. I'll try it the very next time a man talks to me about relationships.


When we were younger, our choices in shoes and relationships were governed by what we perceived as the important things in life. I used to like shoes that have glitters and anything that shimmers. Looking back, I think maybe what I was looking for were men who unabashedly show off their best qualities, usually physical. 


A few years forward and my choice in shoes changed to the ones which required less attention so I can move freely from one responsibility to another. Unfortunately, instead of finding someone who isn't clingy and high maintenance, I found the complete opposite. I found someone who regularly required someone to make him feel like a better man than he actually was. The funny part was, I fell for it. Shoot! Talk about irony. 


Anyway, after the comfortable shoes, I moved on to high heels in colors. I have become a part of partnership where my quirkiness and my everything is just as important as his quirkiness and everything. I have become comfortable in my own skin for I have been allowed to stretch my wings and explore things. I still wear high heels in colors now. I have several pairs in various shades of blue, pink and brown. I have several pairs in black but I have yet to find out how many pairs of black shoes a lady has to have. While I search for the answer, I'll keep on buying and acquiring shoes in high heels and colors. Donations and gifts are welcome by the way. 


Happy Wednesday!