Saturday, April 22, 2017

My Breasts and I - Part 3

Written on January 19, 2017

The other night, while waiting to see if my OB will come in, I rehearsed what I was going to say to my husband. I wanted to tell him in case I leave earlier than expected, it's OK for him to marry again. I rehearsed a lot of times but when it came to actually telling him my piece, I cried. Twice. I cried because in reality, I pray for a few more decades with him. If we live long enough to see the next UP centennial and join in the festivities, all the better. This preceding sentence is meant as a joke.
Yesterday, I went to my OB's other clinic. I couldn't get an explanation for the symptoms because the Tomosynthesis Mammography results showed something but it couldn't be identified. I was referred to a Breast Doctor in the afternoon who in turn referred me to another Doctor in St. Luke's so I can undergo a breast ultrasound. I felt my pockets were so much lighter than when I left home. I felt tired. My body felt tired especially the parts that need to be checked. They've been pinched and touched that I literally felt blood coursing through my veins with a vengeance when all the pinching and poking was over. I just wanted to sit down and not move anymore but I eventually did.
While riding a jeepney on my way home, I prayed. I remembered what I read the other day about needing to wrestle with God in prayer sometimes and I felt exactly that way - that I'm wrestling with God in prayer. I asked Him to keep holding my heart and when I despair, to not listen to me ramble and complain. I wanted to cry but I was in a public vehicle. A part of me knows I shouldn't entertain negative thoughts but to be honest, I can't help it especially because I don't know what's wrong. For all I know, I could be worrying about nothing.
To cut the long story short, I don't have news yet. The waiting game continues. My OB said there's something of interest in there but more tests are needed. Juval, as usual, has been his very supportive self. He even breached the topic of having implants as a preventive measure. I don't know how I feel about it at this point. I realized I have to be sure I will do it not for vanity's sake if I ever do it at all. I'm also still hoping I'd be able to conceive and nurse our children and not feed them from bottles all the time.
I decided not to see any doctor today. I've not been doing anything related to income generation since Tuesday and the idea of work piling up is draining me even more. I also got to talk to some people who said they've been inspired to talk about their own struggles or to get themselves checked as well because of what they read. There is also one magnificent thing that revealed itself today. I met someone years ago who is going through exactly the same thing that I'm going through. I don't rejoice that someone shares my plight but that God knew we'd need each other way before we knew we would. God, in His limitless wisdom, made us meet each other years ago so we can walk with each other, pray for each other and be accountable for each other while we both seek God's plan in our lives.
My prayer this morning was for God to allow me to remain hopeful that 10 years from now, I'll look back to this day and tell myself, God knew this needed to happen when it happened and it wasn't without reason. God knew I'd realize He is in control all the time. I pray that God continue to reveal His sovereignty in my life, in our lives every day.

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